Half Mast
Ted Kennedy died last week. My hours in the car afford me hours of public radio listening and last week I listened to much Ted Kennedy talk. It was truly a somber moment in our nation's history. With his passing, the memories and legacies of his two famous older brothers were retold, their battles brought back to the forefront. We find ourselves in the heat of another social justice battle, one whose torch Ted Kennedy held high for years. But, health care was only one of his issues. Together, the three brothers represented some of the most important civil rights leaders in our history. Of course these men were not not infallible. Of course they made their mistakes, both personal and professional. Their faults cannot overshadow their impact, however. As I walked by the flag pole with its flags flying respectfully at half mast, the relevance of the Kennedys' work hung heavy in my heart.
UNO is truly a university of the people. It's the most diverse university I've ever been to yet it's also the most American. Last week, because it was the first week, there was free (meat only) lunch and a DJ pumping out the jams outside the student center everyday. What a trip that first day was. As I walked along along the path, I took in the scene around me. I was exactly what I had always expected out of university; it was that image every Hollywood movie portays a fancy highschool to be. Kids were sitting on the grass, on the steps, all around the student center munching on their fleshy lunches while hot dog smell stung my nose and hip hop bounced in my ears. The kids were sitting small groups. I saw the punks with mohawks. I saw the sweety pies. I saw nerds. I saw those groups in their hyperbolic forms. Not once that day did I see blacks and whites talking. That I noticed. A few days later some fraternities and sororities took over the music square with their dancing and the color difference could not have been more stark. The latina sorority was out. So was the black sorority and fraternity. And they were the only ones dancing. They formed this ring around which the white kids stood, looking on. The segregation at UNO continues to shock me and I wonder if those more accustomed to the scene even notice anymore.
So, as I looked at that flag flying low and I looked around me, I remembered that those battles the Kennedys died for are far from vanquished.
Future
I've been thinking a lot about the future since I got to Nebraska. It makes sense as my present is less than ummm welll..less exciting than I've grown accustomed to.
My first thought was that I would run away to Peru, finish my studies there and then spend ten months or so being an
activist and doing service work. Then I realized that the semester doesn't start until March. I didn't know how I would get my foot in the door without studying there first and I also thought I wouldn't get to spend time both in Lima and the country. Plus, it would cost money, not make money. (
money is a big theme here)I then realized that as soon as I graduate (which I'm still not sure when that will actually be) I would be able to get a working visa for Canada. Oh Canada, where my life has most recently flourished...sounded awesome: learn
French, enjoy the summer, bike bike, my FRIENDS! I was STOKED. I started thinking about how I could take my puppies up there (not so
puppy anymore, that's part of the problem. old dogs have trouble with stairs and wooden floors, Montreal staples). I was making plans and my heart was at peace because it knew that it would get to spend more time with
good friends.
Then, I started getting lots and lots of signals not to apply to the UK for
med school. I'm still not 100% sure that I won't, but every indicator seems to point to the fact that it's just not as wise as studying in the US. Damn, I would have loved going to Europe. I re-initiated my search for which US schools to apply for. UW (Washington) in Seattle is the best school in the nation for primary care. Go figure. I was all excited about the prospect of applying there until I realized that my chance of getting in there is next to 0 because I am not a resident of the correct state.
Tear. Then, I realized I have time to establish residency there. OMG! So, in March, when I finish my premed course, I get to move out to the same city as my
Bro, Sis-in-Law, and darling niece! I'll just happen to become a resident in the process. Wow. Good idea.
I've had to inform the pieces of my Montreal heart that I'd changed my mind and that was hard. And I'm sad. I am
sad. Instead of moving back to Europe, as I had hoped, I'm moving as far away from as I can in N. America. Instead of moving back to Montreal, I'm doing the same thing. I am also freaked out about staying in the USA for so long. My recent history wouldn't indicate that I would but in this case, I just should. ...I will still apply to some Canadian med schools... but, if I get into UW, that's a long haul in the US. I could ramble on and on about how this could lead to that and that to the other and how I'll never get back to Europe or whatever, but the point is that I need to just
STOP!
realize it can lead wherever.that this decision opens more
doors than it shuts.
new things will develop and old will not go away.
i worry my friends in europe won't
care after 5 more years.
but it's already been 5 and they still care. and i still care.
so with a giant breath in and out, in and out, i accept this choice and smile at all the great
opportunities it will bring.
Gilly Weed
I'm almost finished with the first of three periods of Nebraska life. I've finished my thesis, which means I'm all done at McGill (sigh of relief) and on Thursday, I'll have finished my Organic Chemistry 1 class. My job at the College of Public Health is also likely over...though they still haven't told any of the summer research assistants if our time is up. My gut tells me I'll be unemployed in a few weeks. I'm glad this section is over; transitions are never easy for me and that's what this period was. I've realized that the transition is mostly over. I don't want to cry when I think about leaving Montreal. That is good. I also have switched my rhythm over to fit the Nebraska vibe...or at least MY Nebraska vibe. Montreal was so social for me. Nebraska is anything but. It's family...that's social, I guess. It's work. It's studies. It's dogs. It's sleeping. It's resume building. I've finally got my head wrapped around that and it's starting to make sense. I don't know if other people can just slide into transitions, but I cannot. I can't let go of the past so easily to fit into the present. Watching the third Harry Potter reminded me that new transitions are rarely easy. Harry eats gilly weed and grows gills. It pains him to grow them and pains him to lose them. He carries scars on his neck for days. That's where I'm at: scars. Those are something that I'll never lose and I wouldn't want to. Every experiences changes you and scars are the reminder of how. I'm just happy to be able to breathe above ground again.
