whims

The wagon

I've fallen off. That's for sure. Look at the previous posts and you won't be surprised. Look at the name of this blog and you won't be either. But, somehow I am. And then I'm not. And then I wonder if it'll pass. And then I hope it does. And then I hope it doesn't. And then I worry about money for the first time in my life. MD. Medical doctor. BIOmedical doctor. Doctor of the medicine that grew out of gestures and philosophizing, to palpations and guessing, to cutting open live rats, to the so-called silver bullet, to the god complex, cutting out quacks (like midwives...), to pharma companies, to over specialization, to reducing maternal mortality and child death, to lawsuits and insurance companies and dictate who gets what and when. Is that who I want to be? 99% of me doesn't think so. I'll admit there's a tiny bit of me that wonders if I'd love making sick people better with fancy drugs and miracle cures. I'm sure I would. I do love problem solving and do have a hero complex. But LORD that's a long road and BIG philosophy that I'm just not behind. It would get behind me though and get me lots and lots of jobs and I wouldn't have to worry about paying those bills anymore....except all the loan payments, of course. Anyway. I've fallen off the wagon that was heading straight to med school.

I've realized that I have never disliked school as much as I do now. No wonder people drop out at 16. I feel like dropping out now, mid semester, 3000$ (plus) into it. Honestly, I'm not doing anything I care about here. That's scary. It's also really unsettling because I begin to think there aren't think I like doing. Or that I don't have ideas and values or something. They just get whitewashed over by the routine. If I feel so stiffled now, with 14 hours of not-so-hard science, how would I feel in med school? I recently met a girl in her 2nd year at Nebraska's medical school. She said, "It sucks, but if you really want it, you'll make it though." HA! And I don't even know if I really want it.

So, where's that leave me? GOOOOOOD QUESTION. I just ate an entire bar of chocolate pondering it. Do things. Make money. Learn. Experience. I think Seattle, Montreal, Austin, Europe. I wonder about grad school. I know I need to improve language. I want to go explore and just be. With the big sparkling picture coming crashing down around me, I'm forced to shake off the dust and see what's here now. Be a person NOW, not just in the future or in some great story line. I've just gotta do something and learn about life a bit more. Talk to people. Get some more direction. I keep thinking about healthy communities. How to make communities healthy. That sounds good. What about international stuff? Right.

So my head is throbbing a bit. At least I'm not buckled into something that I don't want to do.

posted by Marielly @ 12:37 PM